Wednesday 29 April 2015

A funny couple of weeks

It's been a funny couple of weeks, I've spent too much time in hospitals, drank far too much alcohol and tried to go to more spin classes.  A ridiculous combination of feeling very close to my own fragile mortality, but at the same time, so very, very alive.

Last week I was at the hospital for a CT scan to see if the cancer has come back, or to phrase it more positively, to MAKE SURE the cancer hasn't come back.  A few weeks ago I found a lump in my neck, just above the collarbone, it was big enough for me to break into a cold sweat and I called the Breast Clinic straight away to find out what to do.  I booked a GP appointment for the next day and took time out of work to go and show the GP my new lump.  The young doctor agreed that yes, I did have a lump, and he was going to make an urgent referral back to my cancer team to get the relevant tests done.  Then I burst into tears, I think he had said something like 'recurrence' and it tipped me over the edge.  I haven't cried in front of a Doctor for a very long time. During those few minutes sat in that little room I sunk to the very worst places I let my imagination go.  I imagined that the cancer had now spread to all my lymph nodes, it would be incurable and I'd have to have more chemo.  I was so embarrassed, I don't think the Doctor knew what to do, I was telling him I was OK but at the same time wiping tears from my face.  I quickly realised that there was actually no actual bad news yet and it's likely to turn out to be something completely normal. And with that, I dried my eyes on the tissue he gave me, pulled myself together, and drove back to work.

Since that appointment I have had a couple of ultrasounds on my neck, a FNA (fine needle aspiration) to take some cells from my lymph node and finally a CT scan to make doubly sure.  On top of this I had to go for my first annual mammogram on my 'good' boob.

I seem to have an effective way of packaging up fear, I don't know how it happens, until I know something for certain about cancer I don't worry about it.  I don't try to find out what other things it might be, I don't google anything, I don't do any research. Maybe because I'm lazy, but I find it helps to just wrap it up and put it away until there's a solid tangible reason to go back to it.  I will always know it's there lurking in the background but I don't let it affect my quality of life, I certainly don't lose any sleep thinking about what ifs.

Thankfully, the lump has significantly reduced in size since I first found it, it's hardly detectable now, although it's gone up and down in size a few times.  This I find reassuring, I can rationalise that it's one of my lymph nodes swelling up as it tries to fight an infection.

At the same time I have been trying to get fit, I joined up at my old gym last month which was quite a landmark for me, I haven't been since the day before I was diagnosed almost 18 months ago.  The first time I swam 30 lengths in the pool I felt a bit emotional, when your body has been through so much it's amazing to be back in control, feeling strong.  So I've stepped it up a gear and started going to spin class, it's tough but I'm the only one in there smiling because it makes me feel so alive, my heart is pumping, doing exactly what it should be doing.

It's not all been hard work at the gym though, I had quite a monumental night out on Saturday with the awesome girls I have met through Younger Breast Cancer Network (YBCN).  We drank a lot of cocktails and stayed out far too late.  This weekend I'm going to Paris with 6 of my very best friends, it's a weekend away to celebrate me finishing treatment and to make some more amazing memories together.  I couldn't have got through the past 18 months without them.

So I've postponed my results appointment with my surgeon until after my trip to Paris, once you know something you can't un-know it.  Although I'm feeling 99% positive about the results there's always the 1% of me that remembers the very positive girl who turned up to her first results appointment to be told she had cancer...

I'll keep you posted!!  Photos below of me modelling Glenfield Hospital's finest range of hospital gowns, I think surgical blue might suit me.